Sir,—
I have yours of the 26ᵗʰ Ult. and am much oblig'd for your kind opinion.—
* * * * * * * * * *
Line 87 Vulgarized:
Dear Jeremiah Dixon, Wordsmith and Candidate for my Assistant on the Transit of Venus,
I received your letter from the 26th of last month and was super flattered by your flatterous flattery of me.
Subtext:
Eddie Haskell had the right idea. People love to be buttered up. Eddie's problem was he looked too much like a weasel and he attempted the flattery in person. As soon as he left the room, Mr. and Mrs. Beaver were always all, "That boy sure talks a good game but I don't trust his weird skinny face. Also whenever Wally is in trouble, Eddie's with him. But he's so nice and flattering! Could our son be the problem?!" Then they would just put away the milk bottle Wally left out and begin speculating on what idiotic thing The Cleaver was going to do that week.
I would like to get a flattering letter some time. My first year out of state in college, I once got a letter from the girl I had a crush on where she said she loved me like a brother. Was that flattering? It just seemed cruel and world-destroying at the time.
Thinking on it after all these years, I still think it was cruel and world-destroying but also probably a lie. What she really wanted to say was almost certainly, "You're being pathetic and I don't know how to deal with this. Please go get laid and forget about me. You're in college, you loser. I am sucking two dicks as I write this."
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